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LAWYERS, DOCTORS 

AND 

PREACHERS 



A Satirical Survey of the Three Learned Professions 



By 



GEORGE H. BRUCE, A. M. L. L. B. 
it 

of the New York, New Jersey 

and Nebraska Bars 



Author of 

"Humors of the Law" 

'Surgical Examinations from the Lawyer's Standpoint' 

"Some Great Men" etc. 



The Irvington Publishing Company 

24-34 New Chambers St., 

New York City. N. Y. 






Copyright 1912 

by 

GEORGE H. BRUCE 



CCU312465 



// 



NO. I 



DEDICATION 

To the Members of the Learned Professions, 
the great mass of whom are admirable 
citizens and who acknowledge and smile at 
their own frailities — this work is respectfully 
Dedicated. 



fiauipra, inrtur* mth $ttutlfn8. 




HE members of the three 
great professions are a 
very much misunder- 
stood people. The pop- 
ular opinion is that the 
lawyer robs you of your estate, the 
doctor hastens your exit from this 
mundane sphere and the minister 
sells you a gold brick when he pre- 
tends to help you to glory; and so, 
the learned men have been made the 
subject of attacks in book, in press, 
and from the platform — for so long a 
time "that the memory of man run- 
neth not to the contrary." 

Where there is such general con- 
demnation, we must assume there is 
some well-founded criticism. While 
frankness compels us to admit there 
is some just cause for complaint we 

5 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

feel that in no greater degree are 
they derelict than are men in the 
financial or commercial world. 

It were a pity that there is any 
dissatisfaction with the learned breth- 
ren, but, inasmuch as there is, we 
feel we are doing a service when we 
show them in their real characters, 
explaining to the public much that is 
now misunderstood and dissipating 
many false impressions that now pre- 
vail. 

Then, too, the professional breth- 
ren should know each other better 
and are entitled to have explained 
away the false charges made against 
each; at the same time, their failings, 
if any, should be pointed out honestly 
so that by brotherly advice and 
example one may help the other. 

While it may well be that the 
reader will not agree entirely with us 
in our defence, we feel safe in as- 



The Lawyer 

suming that he will, after reading 
this book, admit he knows the mem- 
bers of the professions better than he 
did, or at least sees them in a new 
light. G. H. B. 



®lje Earner. 




ERHAPS the severest 
and the most drastic 
attacks are made on the 
lawyers, and when we 
have finished our de- 
fence we feel confident that they will 
be understood better. It is con- 
cededly unfair to judge anyone with- 
out being in possession of all the 
facts, for frequently there is some 
extenuating circumstance, as we say, 
when one is found "with the goods 
on" as it were. 

The following have been suggested 
as proper New Year's Resolutions 
for the average lawyer: 
With this New Year I'll aim to 

please. 
I'll do great work for little fees. 
Prevarication I'll eschew 
And utilize no dodges new. 



The Lawyer 

I'll advocate no unjust cause 

And break no wills, whate'er the 

laws. 
These resolutions are not grudged. 
For lawyers, too, in time are judged. 

The Patron Saint 

Many, many years ago an eminent 
lawyer of Rome was being shown 
through the Vatican Museum by the 
then Pope, and was admiring the 
statues of various saints. Turning 
to the Pope, he said: "Father, do 
you not think it is unjust and unfair 
that we of the law should have no 
patron saint when all others have 
been so well cared for?" The Pope, 
good naturedly admitted the justness 
of the complaint, and said : "Brother, 
you are right. Surely, if anyone 
needs a patron saint to watch over 
them and guide them, the lawyers do. 
I will cover your eyes, then you may 
walk about the hall and he whose 
statue you first touch, shall be the 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

patron saint of the lawyers." This 
well pleased the lawyer, and first tak- 
ing a look at a very beautiful figure, 
he was blindfolded and started down 
the hall. Of course, he soon lost his 
bearings and after a while he reached 
and touched a figure and cried out: 
"This shall be our patron saint." 
"Very good," replied the Pope, and 
removing the covering from the law- 
yer's eyes, the latter was chagrined 
and surprised to see he had selected 
the statue of Belzebub, the fallen 
angel, and ever since he has been the 
patron saint of the lawyers. 

Now we ask in all fairness, is it not 
an extenuating circumstance when a 
lawyer starts out in life with such a 
handicap ? 

What the Lawyer Is 

An eminent Chief Justice of Eng- 
land once remarked that "A lawyer 
is a learned gentleman who rescues 
your estate from your enemy and 
keeps it for himself." 

10 



The Lawyer 

Of course, that is mere pleasantry, 
but, assuming for the sake of argu- 
ment, that it is true, surely it must 
be more agreeable that your lawyer 
should have your estate, than that 
your enemy should keep it. One can 
hardly expect to have everything in 
this life. 

Choosing the Profession 

One time a man and woman pos- 
sessed a son. He had reached the 
mature age of two years, and they 
were much concerned as to what 
business or profession he should be 
trained for. 

They felt that early training would 
materially affect the future, and that 
they should be bringing him up in 
that line for which he exhibited the 
greatest aptitude. 

So, one day the father put a large 
Bible on the floor, and on it placed 
an apple and a coin, and leaving the 
child with these he retired and closed 



11 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

the door, and calling his wife, ex- 
plained his original and certain 
scheme of unveiling the future of the 
child. 

If on their return, the child had 
the Bible in his hands, he then should 
be trained for the ministry ; if he had 
the apple, he should become a mer- 
chant, and if he held the coin he 
should become a banker. 

After a brief period, the parents 
sought the child. There he was found 
sitting on the Bible, eating the apple 
while in his hand he held the coin, 
and the poor father cried out in dis- 
tress as the mother fainted: "We 
will now have to make a lawyer of 
him, and he our only child, too." 

Another piece of evidence for the 
lawyer. When his profession is so 
cut out for him by his parents, is it 
any surprise that there are frequent 
apparent incompetents? 



The story is told of a farmer's son 
12 



The Lawyer 

who wished to become a famous law- 
yer, that he went to Springfield, 111., 
and accepted employment at a small 
sum from an attorney. At the end 
of three days' study, he returned to 
the farm. "Well, Bill, how'd ye like 
the law?" asked his father. "It ain't 
what it's cracked up to be," replied 
Bill, gloomily, "I'm sorry I learned 
it." 

Others Opinions of the Lawyer 

Let us, if we will, call lawyers 
necessary evils. They must have 
some useful purpose, even if you can- 
not determine what it is. Just as 
flies and mosquitoes, — while a seem- 
ing plague, surely are for some good 
end. 

Many complain that the majority 
of legislators are lawyers, and that 
when they adjourn they immediately 
proceed, for pay, to attack the very 
laws they have made, and literally 
drive a team of horses through those 

13 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

laws, or prove them unconstitutional. 

We will admit that there is a meas- 
ure of truth in this complaint, but 
how narrow the vision of these com- 
plainants. Cannot they see a valu- 
able lesson in this? Does that not 
prove the fallibility of man? Again, 
some prosey and unappreciative mind 
has compared the lawyer to a rest- 
less man in that "He lies on one side, 
turns over and lies on the other." 

If that be true, does it not prove 
he is versatile, and does it not re- 
quire much natural talent well ap- 
plied? Are we to insist that one 
must look neither to the right nor to 
the left, but always ahead? 



"I want you to show that this law 
is constitutional. Do you think that 
you can manage it?" asked a man of 
his lawyer. 

"Easily." 

"Well, go ahead with the case, get 
familiar with it." 

14 



The Lawyer 



"I am already at home in it. I 
know my ground perfectly. It's the 
same law you had me prove was un- 
constitutional two years ago." 



Fortunately all lawyers do not live 
up to the purpose for which some 
clients conceive they were ordained. 
Fancy the following: 

Country Lawyer: — "Of course 
youVe told me the whole truth about 
this affair ?" 

Uncle Nim Peasley: — "Yes, sir; 
nothing but the hull truth. Fve hired 
yer ter furnish the lies, so's we kin 
win the case." 

Perhaps the Irish crier in a Court 
in Dublin unconsciously gave the most 
concise opinion of lawyers that would 
please the worldly lay person : "Now 
then, all ye blackguards that isn't law- 
yers must lave the Court." 



Judge: "Prisoner, have you any- 
15 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

thing further to add to your de- 
fense?" 

Prisoner: "All that I ask you to 
consider, my Lord, is the extreme 
youth of my counsel." 



Frequently an attorney is not cele- 
brated for his probity, and when such 
a case exists, the long suffering public 
magnifies the attorney until he be- 
comes a million instead of one, and 
this feeling and opinion of the law- 
yers become so general that it is sec- 
ond nature. 

This is illustrated in the story of 
an attorney whose reputation was not 
good. He was robbed one night on 
his way home. The next day his 
father meeting a friend, said : "Wil- 
liam, have you heard of my son's 
robbery?" "No, John, whom did he 
rob?" 

Who could resist the force and 
eloquence of this rough appeal? 

16 



The Lawyer 

Prisoner at the Bar — "Now I ask 
you, gents of the jury, if I'd got away 
with all that swag, like they say I 
did, d'yer suppose I'd hired this little 
$15.00 lawyer ter defend me?" 



Unfortunately many lawyers re- 
sort to tricks, and subterfuge to aid 
them in winning a case. This is a 
frequent cause of bringing disrepute 
upon the profession, and the great 
number of noble characters must suf- 
fer for the errors and wrong doing 
of the misguided few. 

A lawyer recently was pleading the 
cause of an infant plaintiff. He took 
the child up in his arms and presented 
it to the jury suffused with tears. 
This had a great effect, until the op- 
posing lawyer asked the child: 
"What made you cry?" "He pinched 
me," answered the little one. It is 
needless of course, to say that the 
attempt to excite sympathy did not 
accomplish its purpose. 
17 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

It was back in the days when por- 
traits in oil were the fad, says the 
Green Bag, and Lawyer Simpson, the 
town's Daniel Webster, had his 
painted in his favorite and character- 
istic attitude standing with one hand 
in his trouser's pocket. His friends 
and clients remarked upon its won- 
derful likeness. Finally an old farm- 
er dissented. " 'Taint like Simpson. 
No, 'taint!" 

" 'Taint like ? Just show wherein 
'taint like," said another. 

" 'Taint like," repeated the man, 
shaking his head. "Simpson's got his 
hand in his own pocket. 'Twould be 
more natural if he hed it in some- 
body's else." 



Of course, lawyers, too, have their 
opinions of the great mass known as 
the general public, and it would per- 
haps not flatter them, if they could 
hear in detail just what these opin- 
ions are. 

18 



The Lawyer 

A lawyer recently being taken sick, 
made his last will, and in that will, 
perhaps as concisely as it would be 
possible to do it, gave his opinion of 
the public, for he "gave all of his es- 
tate to fools and madmen," giving as 
reason "that from such he had re- 
ceived it and to them he returned it 
on his death." 

Fees 

On the question of fees, the law- 
yers are perhaps most frequently 
criticised. 

The ordinary person cannot under- 
stand why he should pay ten dollars 
or more for talking to a lawyer, and 
he is prone to exaggerate very much 
the propensity of the lawyer to 
charge large fees for little services. 

"Have you," asked the judge in an 
English criminal court, "anything to 
offer the court before sentence is 
passed?" "No, your honor, my law* 
yer took my last cent," was the sor- 
rowful reply. 

19 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

They tell of a lawyer who was 
called up by the Bar Association for 
unprofessional conduct in taking less 
than the usual fee from a client, for 
a certain piece of work. He how- 
ever, was able to show that he took 
all of the money that the man had, 
whereupon he was honorably ac- 
quitted. 

A famous lawyer, being called on 
to defend a man who was charged 
with stealing a pig, argued many days 
and worked like a horse to save his 
client. The jury, however, having 
dined not well, convicted the man 
and sent him to the penitentiary. 
Then the famous lawyer went to the 
man and said: "My friend, it is a 
crying shame that you were con- 
victed, for never have I been so con- 
vinced of a client's innocence. And 
now about my fee? "Oh, that's all 
right," said the man, "You can have 
the pig." 

20 



The Lawyer 

A shrewd old Vermont farmer 
came into a lawyer's office the other 
day and proceeded to relate the cir- 
cumstances in a matter about which 
he thought it would be profitable to 
"go to law." 

"You think I hev a good case?" 
he finally asked. 

"Very good indeed!" the lawyer 
assured him. "You should certainly 
bring suit." 

"What would your fee be fer the 
whole thing?" the old farmer asked. 

"Fifty dollars," was the prompt 
response. 

The client pulled out an old wal- 
let, extracted a roll of bills, and 
counted out $50. 

"Now," he said, "you hev got all 
you would get out of this case any- 
way; so s'pose you tell me honestly 
just what you think my chances of 
winnin' a suit are?" 



But the lawyer too must struggle 
21 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

for success. Ability can only be dis- 
played after the work is secured, 
hence, ability often lies dormant and 
is never revealed. 

A young "briefless lawyer" was 
perambulating the courts with an air 
of scarcely being able to find time to 
do anything when his boy tracked 
him down in one of the corridors. 

"Oh, sir !" said the boy, "there is a 
man at your office with a brief sir." 

"What a brief! Great Heavens!" 

And the young fellow began to run 
through the passages as fast he could 
for fear the prey should escape him. 

"Stop, sir, stop!" cried the boy, 
who could scarcely keep pace. "You 
needn't hurry, sir; I've locked him 
in!" 



Two college chums happened to 
enter simultaneously upon their re- 
spective careers of physician and 
lawyer, and late one afternoon the 
newly-made medico dashed into the 
22 



The Lawyer 

room of his legal friend, exclaiming: 
"Congratulate me, old man. I've 

got a patient at last. Just on my way 

to see him now !" 

The legal light slapped his friend 

enthusiastically on the back. 

"Delighted, old chap," he cried. 

Then after a slight pause, he added 

with a sly grin: "I say, let me go 

with you. Perhaps he hasn't made 

his will yet." 



I think we overlook the amount of 
time that a lawyer spends in worry- 
ing over your case, the amount of 
time that he spends in acquiring the 
knowledge to efficiently and satisfac- 
torily handle your business, and re- 
member only that you spent an hour 
in consulting him, being blind to the 
fact that very many hours that you 
have not been with him, he has been 
studying and planning to help you to 
success. 

As an illustration of how assidu- 
23 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

ously and faithfully the lawyers work 
for your interest in your absence, is 
the case of a lawyer who intervened 
for some policy-holders in a defunct 
insurance company in this State. He 
afterwards applied to the court for 
an allowance as counsel in addition to 
the fees and commissions he was re- 
ceiving from his clients. 

The amount of $1,500 which he 
asked, struck the court as being ex- 
cessive, and it directed him to prepare 
an itemized statement showing how 
this claim was made up. 

In due time the statement was 
furnished, and it was made up of 
items as follows: 
"Talking with the reporters 

about the case, 5 hours .... $50.00 
"Sitting in the park, thinking 

about the case, 3 hours .... 30.00 
and so on the items made up $1,500, 
showing the many hours consumed 
in either talking or thinking about 
the same. 

24 



The Lawyer 

The Jury 

A word about the jury, for so 
much has been said about the lawyers 
who tamper with the jury. An inci- 
dent or two will illustrate this. A 
jury was about to be sworn as the 
twelfth man stepped into the box. 
Mr. Rosen was for the plaintiff. The 
defendant's attorney pleaded for de- 
lay owing to the absence of a ma- 
terial witness, and the application 
was finally granted. The judge, turn- 
ing to the jury, as the lawyers were 
gathering up their papers, said, 
"Gentlemen, you are discharged." 
"All left the box but the foreman, 
Raphael Zabinsky. 

The judge looked at him a moment, 
and said : "Mr. Zabinsky, did you not 
hear me say the jury was dis- 
charged ?" 

"Yes," answered Zabinsky, "but 
I'm hired by Mr. Rosen and I can't 
go until he discharges me. 



25 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

During a trial in an Alabama city 
years ago, one of the jurors suddenly 
rose from his seat and precipitately 
fled from the court room. He was 
arrested before he had left the build- 
ing and brought back. "What do you 
mean by running off in that way?" 
asked the judge, who knew the man 
to be a simple honest old farmer. 

"It's like this, your honor," said 
the man, earnestly. "When Mr. 
Hobbs finished talking my mind was 
clear, but when Mr. Clayton began 
I was all confused again, and I said 
to myself, I'd better leave at once, 
and stay away until he's gone; for 
to tell the truth, I didn't like the way 
the argument was going, your honor." 



This fixing the jury does not al- 
ways result in profit. 

A man was accused of murder and 

his lawyer arranged with an Irish 

juror to stand out for a verdict of 

manslaughter. The jury was out 

26 



The Lawyer 

some time and brought in a verdict 
of manslaughter and the pleased law- 
yer shaking the hand of his friend 
on the jury said: "That was fine, did 
you have much trouble to induce 
them to make it manslaughter?" 
"Sure, I had the time of me life, the 
other jurormen wanted to bring in a 
verdict of acquittal, ,, replied the 
jurorman. 

The spectator in the court room 
has frequently smiled involuntarily 
as he listened to the lawyers, each 
striving to influence the jury, address 
the members as "You intelligent gen- 
tlemen" or "The learned gentlemen 
of the jury must see, etc." 

A young practioner in a burst of 
enthusiasm, unconsciously of course, 
"summoned up" a case in a manner 
that would have brought forth ap- 
plause in any place but the Halls of 
Justice. 

This bright young attorney rather 

27 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

given to strenuous oratory was em- 
ployed to defend a man charged with 
aggravated assault and battery. The 
facts were that the defendant had 
been called an Irish liar, and had re- 
sented the insult by seriously injur- 
ing the insulter. The young attorney 
in his address to the jury first dis- 
cussed the defence generally, but 
warming to his subject, addressed a 
German juror as follows : "Mr. Her- 
man, if a man should call you a Ger- 
man liar wouldn't you try to break 
his face?" To a Jew juror: "Mr. 
Einstein, if a man should call you a 
Sheeny liar, wouldn't you strike him 
with any weapon at hand?" To an 
Irish juror : "Mr. McGinty, if a man 
should call you an Irish liar, wouldn't 
you try to kill him?" And then car- 
ried away by his own eloquence, he 
addressed the remaining nine jurors 
of uncertain nationality: "And you 
other members of the jury, if a man 
should call you the various kinds of 
28 



The Lawyer 

liar that you are, wouldn't you slay 
him if you could?" The jury stood 
nine to three for conviction. 



Nor will he who has seen many 
juries in his time admit that the lan- 
guage in the following story was 
likely far astray. 

Judge , who is now on 

the Supreme Court bench was, when 
he first began the practice of law, a 
very blundering speaker. On the oc- 
casion when he was trying a case in 
replevin, involving the right of prop- 
erty in a lot of hogs, he addressed 
the jury as follows: "Gentlemen, of 
the jury, there were just twenty-four 
hogs in that drove — just twenty-four 
gentlemen — exactly twice as many as 
there are in this jury box." 



And still another phase of the jury 

question — the action is in course of 

trial — when the defendant leans over 

and whispers to his lawyer, "I don't 

29 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

like that seventh juror, at all." The 
lawyer answers, "Yes, he has a pretty 
mean face." "It's not his face that 
bothers me," his client answered, "but 
he's paying altogether too close at- 
tention to the evidence." 

Lawyer and Witness 

How often have we heard of the 
brutal browbeating lawyer who tak- 
ing advantage of his privileges abuses 
the witness, the following story is 
told as an illustration : It is said that 
there are some legal questions that a 
witness cannot answer by a simple 
yes or no, and a lawyer will some- 
times take advantage of this fact. 
One of this class was once demand- 
ing that a witness answer a certain 
question either in the affirmative or 
negative. 

"I cannot do it," said the witness. 
"There are some questions that can- 
not be answered by a "Yes" or a 
"No" as any one knows." 

30 



The Lawyer 

"I defy you to give an example to 
the court," thundered the lawyer. 

The retort came in a flash. "Are 
you still beating your wife ?" 

A sickly grin spread over the law- 
yer's face and he sat down. 

To our unbiased mind this seems 
rather an unfair advantage taken of 
a trusting and polite professional 
gentleman. 

The case concerned a will, and an 
Irishman was a witness. "Was the 
deceased," asked the lawer, "in the 
habit of talking to himself when 
alone ?" 

"I don't know," was the reply. 

"Come, come, you don't know, and 
yet you pretend that you were inti- 
mately acquainted with him. 

"The fact is," said Pat dryly, "I 
never happened to be with him when 
he was alone." 



De Wolfe Hopper was once a wit- 
31 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

ness in a suit for slander and the op- 
posing counsel in the court-room 
said: 

"You are an actor, I believe?" 

"Yes," replied Hopper. 

"Is not that a low calling?" 

"I don't know, but it's so much 
better than my father's that I am 
rather proud of it." 

"What is your father's calling, 
may I ask?" 

"He was a lawyer," said Hopper. 



Most lawyers take a keen delight 
trying to confuse medical experts in 
the witness box in murder trials, and 
often they get paid back in their own 
coin. A case is recalled where the 
lawyer, after exercising all his tang- 
ling tactics without effect, looked 
quizzically at the doctor who was 
testifying and said: 

"You will admit that doctors some- 
times make mistakes, won't you?" 

32 



The Lawyer 

"Oh, yes; the same as lawyers," 
was the cool reply. 

"And doctors' mistakes are buried 
six feet under ground," was the law- 
yer's triumphant reply. 

"Yes," he replied, and the lawyers' 
mistakes often swing in the air." 



The blow that destroys the effect 
of an adverse examination is occa- 
sionally more the result of accident 
than conscious effort. In a trial not 
long ago a very simple witness was 
in the box and after going through 
his ordeal was ready to retire. One 
question remained. 

"Now, Mr. , has not an 

attempt been made to induce you to 
tell the court a different story?" 

"A different story to what I have 
told sir?" 

"Yes, is it not so?" 

"Yes sir." 

"Upon your oath, I demand to 
know who the persons are who at- 
tempted this." 

33 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

"Well, sir, you've tried as hard as 
any of 'em," was the unexpected an- 
swer. 

It ended the examination. 

The same lawyer told another, not 
so much to his disadvantage. This 
time he was prosecuting a case, and 
up to the cross-examination every- 
thing seemed to be going against him. 
The first witness to come under his 
cross-examination was an old Cape 
Cod man, shrewd, and clear-headed, 
who had been a fine witness for the 
defence. The lawyer was quite sure 
that there was nothing to be had from 
this man and began questioning him 
perfunctorily. The witness answered 
briefly and to the point, but to the 
lawyer's great surprise his answers 
were all in favor of the prosecution. 
The lawyer eagerly put question after 
question and the answers were al- 
ways the same, while the lawyer for 
the defence was turning green in his 
chair. 

34 



The Lawyer 

Finally when it was apparent to all 
that the scales had turned in favor of 
the prosecution, the witness was told 
that he was through. Then came the 
climax. The old man drew himself 
up to his full height, smote his open 
palm with his fist, and with a trium- 
phant smile on his face said: "No 
sir, you ain't through with me yet. 
Go on with your questions. IVe got 
ye jest where I want ye." 



Frequently the witness is the cause 
of embarrassment to the lawyer and 
places him in a position where he is 
misjudged by the ever critical public. 

Toward the close of a recent law 
suit in Massachusetts, the wife of an 
eminent Harvard professor arose 
and with a flaming face timidly ad- 
dressed the court. 

"Your honor," said she, "If I told 
you I had made an error in my testi- 
mony, would it vitiate all I have 
said?" 

35 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

Instantly the lawyers for each side 
stirred themselves in excitement, 
while His Honor gravely regarded 
her. "Well, Madam," said the Court 
after a pause, "that depends entirely 
on the nature of your error. What 
was it, please?" 

"Why, you see," answered the lady 
more and more red and embarrassed, 
"I told the clerk I was 38. I was so 
flustered you know, that when he 
asked my age I inadvertently gave my 
bust measurement. 

Consultations 

There is no subject upon which 
the lawyer is consulted as frequently 
as that of domestic difference and, 
strange to say, the cause of difference 
is frequently trivial or at least not 
one sound in law. 

"Permit me to ask you, Madam," 
said the lawyer, who was a friend of 
the family, "your real reason for 
wanting a divorce from your hus- 
band." 

36 



The Lawyer 

"He isn't the man I thought I was 
marrying," explained the fair caller. 

"My dear Madam," rejoined the 
lawyer, "the application of that prin- 
cipal would break up every home in 
the country." 

Sound and impartial advice for 
which the lawyer seldom receives 
credit. 

Lawyer — "Am I to understand that 
your wife left your bed and board?" 
Z Uncle Ephraim — "No'zactly, boss, 
she dun tuk mah bed and bo'd along 
wif her." 

"Counselor," he whispered, to the 
lawyer who had come to his bedside 
to draw his will. "Do you think 
there is any hope?" 

After pondering for a moment the 
lawyer asked: 

"For whom do you mean — your 
wife or you?" 

The good lawyer will ever con- 
sider the interest of the survivor. 



37 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 
The Lawyer's Opinion of Himself 

It will be found that with the law- 
yer, as with others, the possession of 
a profound and satisfying opinion of 
his own ability goes far towards con- 
vincing the world at large, that he, 
having such an intimate knowledge 
of the subject, surely must know best, 
and if he feels so, he is probably 
right. 

We are reminded of that old, old 
story, told of Ben Butler, when he 
was Governor of Massachusetts: 
Noticing two lawyers in private dis- 
putation on the Capitol steps, he in- 
quired as to the point of issue. 

"We'll leave the question to you," 
they both exclaimed. "We were dis- 
puting as to who is the greatest law- 
yer in Massachusetts. 

"I am," said Ben Butler. 

The lawyers looked nonplussed for 
a moment, and then one ventured to 
ask, "But how can you prove it, 
Governor ?" 

38 



The Lawyer 

The Governor fell back upon his 
knowledge of the law. 

"I don't have to prove it," he said, 
with dignity. "I admit it." 

The Lawyer's Assistant 

But even the lawyer cannot expect 
to be a hero in the eyes of his office 
boy; frequently the intimate associa- 
tion permits of a rather clear, if un- 
pleasant analysis. This was evident- 
ly so in the following case: 

The office boy of a certain Phila- 
delphia lawyer recently approached 
his employer with a request for an 
increase of wage. 

"How old are you?" demanded the 
lawyer. 

"Fourteen, sir." 

"And you're drawing $4 a week?" 

"Yes, sir." 

"Do you know, young man," said 
the lawyer, with forbidding stern- 
ness, "That when I was your age I 
was receiving only $2 a week ?" 



39 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

"No, sir; I didn't know it," said 
the boy. Then, after a moment's re- 
flection, he added, quite respectfully, 
"but then, sir, perhaps you weren't 
worth any more." 



"Sir," said the office boy of Mr. 
Lawyer, "I want to ask you a ques- 
tion about law. Supposing a man 
had a peacock and the peacock went 
into another man's garden and laid 
an egg f who would the egg belong 
to?" 

Briefer was relieved; this was an 
easier one than usual. "The egg, my 
boy would belong to the man who 
owned the peacock," he said, "but 
the man in whose garden it was laid 
would have good cause for action for 
trespass." 

"Thank you, sir." Silence for a 
brief space, and then: 

"But sir, can a peacock lay an 



egg?' 



40 



The Lawyer 

The Lawyer's Idea of Duty 
Who has not asked the question — 
"Is a lawyer justified in defending or 
trying to secure the release of one 
whom he knows to be guilty?" This 
question should be answered for all 
time by the logic displayed in the 
"Summoning up" in the following 
case: 

Lawyer — "My client, your honor, 
has confessed that he committed 
burglary. You will admit this an elo- 
quent proof of my client's love of 
truth and of his upright conscience, 
and, your honor, a man with such a 
delicate conscience should not be ac- 
cused of having broken into a house 
to steal. Never!" 



The following from "Law Notes" 
gives an idea of some lawyer's sense 
of duty and also the fervor with 
which he can defend what to the lay 
mind might seem a hopeless case. 



41 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

The following summing up to the 
jury was given some years ago in 
one of our Western States by the 
attorney for the defendant in a 
murder trial : "Gentlemen of the 
jury: Thou shalt not kill! Now, if 
you hang my client you transgress 
the command. Murder is murder, 
whether committed by twelve jury- 
men or by a single individual like my 
client. I do not deny the fact that 
my client has killed a man. No such 
thing, gentlemen. You may bring 
the prisoner in guilty, and the hang- 
man will do his duty, but will that 
excuse you ? No ! In that case each 
of you will be murderers! Who, 
among you is prepared to have the 
brand of Cain marked upon his brow 
to-day? — you, freemen in this land 
of liberty and light. I pledge you my 
word not one of you has a bowie 
knife. Your pockets are odoriferous 
with the fumes of cigars and tobacco. 
You may smoke the tobacco of recti- 

42 



The Lawyer 

tude in the pipe of a peaceful con- 
science, but hang my unfortunate 
client and the scaly alligators of re- 
morse will gallop through the internal 
principals of your animal viscera un- 
til the spinal vertebrae of your an- 
atomical construction will be con- 
verted into a gigantic railroad for the 
grim and gory goblins of despair. 

Beware, I say unto you, of med- 
dling with the eternal prerogative; 
beware I say, of committing murder! 
I adjure you by the manumitted 
ghost of temporary sanctity to do no 
murder! I adjure you by the name 
of woman — the mainspring of the 
tickling timepiece of time's theoreti- 
cal transmigration — to do no murder ! 
I adjure you by the American Eagle, 
which whipped the universal game- 
cock of creation, and now lies roost- 
ing on the magnetic telegraph of 
time's illustrious transmigration, to 
do no murder ! And, if you ever ex- 
pect free dogs not to bark at you ; 

43 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

if you ever expect to wear boots 
made of the free hide of Rocky 
Mountain buffalo; and to sum up all, 
if you ever expect to be anything but 
sneaking, rascally bits of humanity, 
whittled down into indistinctability, 
acquit my client, and save your coun- 
try." 

It is not recorded whether the jury 
decided to hang the convict or the 
lawyer — many will feel the latter 
course would have been justified. 

\ 

This complaint of the verboseness 
of lawyers is quite general, therefore 
the cause may be assumed to be quite 
common — whether it is a desire to 
impress the client with the fact that 
he made no mistake in employing the 
eloquent advocate, or because that 
same advocate is intoxicated with his 
own verbosity is unknown, but the 
fact remains that the cause of com- 
plaint is one of every day occurrence 
in all courts of the land — and this, 

44 



The Lawyer 

notwithstanding that small encour- 
agement is given by the business-like 
and prosaic judges. 

A long-winded, prosy barrister, 
says a contemporary, was arguing a 
technical case recently before one of 
the judges in the High Court. He 
was drifting along in a desultory way 
when the judge yawned suggestively. 
"I sincerely trust that I am not un- 
duly trespassing on the time of the 
Court?" said counsel, with a suspi- 
cion of sarcasm in his voice. "There 
is a difference," replied the judge, 
"between trespassing on time and en- 
croaching on eternity." 



The attorneys for the prosecution 
and defence had been allowed fifteen 
minutes each to argue the case. The 
attorney for the defence had com- 
menced his argument with an illusion 
to the old swimming hole of his boy- 
hood days. He told in flowery ora- 
tory of the balmy air, the singing of 

45 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

the birds, the joy of youth, the de- 
lights of the cool water — 

And in the midst of it he was in- 
terrupted by the drawling voice of 
the judge. 

"Come out, Chauncey," he said, 
"and put on your clothes; your fif- 
teen minutes are up." 



46 



ItartarB. 




EFENCE impossible. 

The profession of 
medicine is one of the 
three professions which 
it is difficult to defend. 
In the first place, everyone has a 
natural antipathy to the doctor, be- 
cause feeling that under normal con- 
ditions he at least is entitled to his 
health, he is apt to feel resentment 
toward the man to whom he must go 
to have his health restored, especially 
when he is compelled to pay him for 
it. 

And so, the whole world to a man, 
outside of the members of the pro- 
fession itself, have the same feeling 
toward doctors that the Irishman at 
the country fair has towards heads — 
an irresistible desire to knock them 
whenever the chance occurs, and 

47 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

where this condemnation is so univer- 
sal, it is difficult to determine what 
is a justifiable complaint, and what 
is not, because one in his antipathy is 
prone to exaggerate. 

However, we purpose outlining a 
few of the more general complaints, 
so that one may determine whether 
there is any justification in this gen- 
eral condemnation of the medical 
profession. 

Generally speaking, the most griev- 
ous complaint made against the doc- 
tors is that they are continually ex- 
perimenting at the risk of your life; 
that on the matter of fees they have 
absolutely no conscience, and that 
they are disposed rather to prolong 
your illness, real or imaginary, that 
they may the better separate you 
from your bank balance. 

It has been said that parsons and 
doctors have this in common: One 
dealeth in faith and prayer, ye other 

48 



The Doctor 

dealeth out faith and pills, and both 
help us to die easily. 

Fees 

Touching on the question of exor- 
bitant fees, an eminent surgeon per- 
formed an operation, and a medical 
student at the college asked him: 
"What did you operate on that man 
for?" 

Eminent Surgeon : "$500." 

Student: "I mean what did he 
have?" 

Surgeon: "$500." 



"Doctor," said the patient, who had 
been ailing for a long time, "be frank 
with me. Why did you demand such 
a large fee for cutting out my appen- 
dix?" 

"Well, the truth is," explained the 
frank M. D., "when I removed that 
appendix I cut off my chief source of 
revenue." 

49 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

A professor addressing a class of 
medical students referring to fees 
and charges said solemnly: 

A doctor who will charge less than 
$5 for a consultation is too cheap to 
keep company with. 

Never diagnose neurasthenia where 
the income is less than $10,000 per 
year, or prescribe Travel. 



Dr. Quills — "I think a European 
trip would benefit that wealthy pa- 
tient of mine." 

Dr. Pills — "Why don't you recom- 
mend one?" 

Dr. Squills— "I can't afford it." 



"Sorry, Brown," said the doctor 
after the examination. "You're in a 
very serious condition. I'm afraid 
I'll have to operate on you." 

"Operate !" gasped Brown. "Why, 
I haven't any money for operations. 
I'm only a poor working man." 

"You're insured, are you not ?" 

50 



The Doctor 

"Yes, but I don't get that until I'm ^ 
dead." 

"Oh, that'll be all right," said the 
doctor consolingly, p ^W 



Even the most hardened opponent 
of the doctors must have a twinge of 
pity and sympathy for the country 
doctor who wrote his more prosper- 
ous city brother as follows: 

"Dear Dock: I have a pashunt 
whose physical sines showes that the 
windpipe has ulcerated off and his 
lungs have dropped into his stomick. 
I have given him every think with- 
out affeckt; his father is wealthy, 
honorable and influenchial, he is a 
member of the Assembly, but other- 
wise respectable and God nose I don't 
want to lose him. What shall I do? 
Answer by return male." 
Yours frat, 

Doc Tishbern. 

51 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 
Loyalty to the Profession 

There must be one thing however, 
said in their favor, and that is, their 
disposition to stand by each other 
and sustain the reputation of the 
profession, whether that be good or 
bad. 

The doctor has many advantages 
over the members of the other pro- 
fessions in that he is invariably able 
to cover up his mistakes by assign- 
ing some cause over which he had 
no control. 

Some one has said: "All men 
make mistakes, but the doctor's mis- 
takes are easiest forgotten — since 
they are soonest covered up." 

It is said that the most active ally 
in covering up the doctor's mistakes, 
is the undertaker, and that there is 
a standing agreement between the 
doctors and undertakers by which the 
doctors receive a commission on 
every funeral, so that the doctor gets 
them coming and going. 
52 



The Doctor 
The Specialist 

If there is any one class of doctors 
that the people agree upon as a unit 
that are absolutely heartless in their 
demands for money, it is the class 
known as "the specialists." 

The real specialty seems to be in 
asking three times the amount for a 
piece of work that the ordinary doc- 
tor would charge, and perhaps there 
is not a man who has not shuddered 
at the prospects, when told by his 
doctor that he must go to a special- 
ist because his troubles did not ap- 
pear to respond to the efforts of the 
man with more limited knowledge. 

We are frank to say that we have 
always thought that when a doctor 
refers you to a specialist, that he has 
reached a point where he knows you 
are ready to enter a protest at his 
non-success, and that he cannot get 
any more money from you, and is not 
willing to permit you to escape while 
you still have any available funds, 
53 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

and so, he brings up the subject of 
specialists, knowing that if you listen 
to him another brother will get it out 
of you and your funds will soon be 
dissipated. So we think it is no ex- 
aggeration to say that the thing that 
appalls us most is the big fee of the 
specialist. 

The Specialist Outdone 

We have heard of only one man 
who devised a scheme to get ahead of 
the specialist, and we must say that 
this man filled us with joy. 

A shrewd Jew who had tried all 
the things his doctor suggested, and 
received no relief, was told by the 
doctor he would have to go to a spe- 
cialist. 

"Oh my! Oh my! but won't that 
be expensible?" he asked. 

"Yes," said the doctor, "but it is 
necessary." "So! what cost it?" 
"You will have to pay him $25 for 
the first visit and $5 for each visit 
thereafter, but it cannot be helped." 
54 



The Doctor 

"What means that $5 thereafter?" 

"It means, the first time you go you 
pay $25, but the next time you go 
you only pay $5. 

"Oh ! I see." 

The Jew thought over the matter 
well and then called on the special- 
ist. He said: "Is this Dr. Brown, 
the specialist?" The latter answered, 
"Yes." "Well," said the Jew, "here 
I am again." 

A man whose wife was ill in the 
country sent for a doctor, who called. 
After the physician had examined 
her, he sat down and wrote a pre- 
scription. The husband followed him 
into the hall and said: 

"Doctor, what is the matter with 
my wife?" 

"Well, I don't know, but you give 
her this powder and she will have a 
fit, and I am h — 11 on fits." 

Deciding the Profession 

An indulgent father reached that 
point that all fathers reach when the 
55 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

baby is a few years old— to decide 
what he is going to be in life. While 
he was worrying over the subject one 
day, the child tore a leaf from a book. 
His father was about to scold him 
when his face suddenly lighted with 
pleasure, and taking the leaf to his 
wife, said : "Now dear, I know what 
our son is going to be. He is going 
to be a great surgeon, — he just tore 
the appendix from the book." 

Of course, if it is only some such 
act as this that starts a child in the 
profession, there is some excuse, or 
rather it is some explanation of the 
condition that exists. 

Experimenting 

I doubt if any one has ever heard 
a doctor say that he did not know 
what to do. He has a way of over- 
coming that difficulty. 

On his first visit, if he is unable to 
determine what the complaint is, he 
will either give some harmless medi- 

56 



The Doctor 

cine and determine to look the mat- 
ter up when he gets home, or else 
wait until the next day and see if the 
patient shows any more pronounced 
symptoms. 

Or, if he thinks that perhaps it 
may be one of two or three different 
complaints, he will try medicine in 
turn that might relieve each of these 
complaints, until he strikes that one 
that brings a response. 

Of course all of this time the pa- 
tient has no idea that the doctor is 
sparring at the patient's expense, that 
he is paying for these experimental 
visits, and that he perhaps is contin- 
uing to suffer, and if he does not die 
and finally recovers his health, though 
he has lost money, the doctor claims 
the glory for his recovery. 



"The examination seems to have 
delighted Dr. Blank," said the pa- 
tient to one of the doctors, when 
they were alone for a moment, "for 

57 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

I have noticed that his eyes are posi- 
tively beaming. I assume then, that 
my case is not a grave one." 

"Well," hesitated the physician ad- 
dressed, "I hardly feel justified in 
saying that. But I understand from 
Dr. Blank that he is going to perform 
a number of interesting operations 
on you." 

When one realizes how much sick- 
ness there is and how much experi- 
menting is done, and with it all how 
many men in the profession are crim- 
inally ignorant, isn't it surprising how 
many people recover, even after being 
attended by doctors. 

Two doctors met in the hall of the 
hospital. 

"Well," said the first, "what's new 
this morning?" 

"I've got a most curious case. 
Woman, cross-eyed, in fact, so cross- 
eyed that when she cried the tears 
run down her back." 

58 



The Doctor 



"What are you doing for her?" 
"Just now," was the answer, "we're 
treating her for bacteria." 



Recently a young man called at the 
office of the health board and asked 
for a permit to bury his father. The 
clerk asked him what time, and 
where his father had died. He said, 
that so far as he knew his father was 
not yet dead. The clerk ordered the 
man out of the office, but he persisted 
saying that he lived a long distance 
from the place and that he did not 
have time to return, and that he knew 
that if his father was living at that 
moment, he certainly would not be 
for more than a few hours. 

"What have you done, given him 
poison," asked the clerk. 

"No, but the doctor this morning 
gave father some medicine and he 
told me that father would not live 
until night. The doctor knows what 
was in that medicine, and so there is 
-59 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

a certainty that father will die all 
right." 

It is possible that this man had had 
previous experience with doctors, and 
while many have been disappointed 
in the doctor's predictions that one 
would get well, it is very seldom that 
the doctor permits himself to be in 
error when he says that a patient is 
not going to live. 

Every Man His Own Doctor 

While there are many books that 
purport to teach any man to be his 
own lawyer, they are not in general 
use, and no one will use them who 
can hire a lawyer, and so it is when 
one is spiritually ill, he will call in 
the minister to console and comfort 
him, notwithstanding that there are 
an abundance of books of prayer and 
spiritual comfort. But, with the doc- 
tors the opposite is the case. 

No one will have a doctor who can 
afford to be without one, and so the 

60 



The Doctor 

apothecary shops and drug stores 
contain hundreds of thousands of 
medicines and mixtures covering 
every possible ailment to which the 
human body is subject, and so far has 
this gone that of late years that de- 
tailed instruction by public lectures 
have been given in "first aid to the 
injured," so that people might in 
emergency, even in dangerous cases 
avoid the chance of losing a life by 
calling a doctor. 

A young doctor commenting upon 
this, made the complaining remark: 
"While you frequently read of how 
to keep the patient alive until the 
doctor arrives, you never read of 
how to keep the doctor alive until the 
patient arrives." It may be that the 
long suffering public has no ardent 
desire to keep the doctor alive. 



An eminent New York surgeon, 
now very wealthy and the envied 
possessor of a large practice, often 



61 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

tells with glee of an incident of his 
younger days. 

When he first hung out his shingle 
and started to win fame and fortune 
things looked pretty gloomy. Six 
whole weeks he sat in his modest lit- 
tle office without a call from a single 
patient, and his first fee seemed a 
long way off. 

At last, one night there came a ring 
at the office bell. The servant flew 
to the door. The doctor could not 
make up his mind whether he would 
rather be called to a good chronic 
patient or to some sensational acci- 
dent to a well-known citizen. He 
opened the door of the consulting 
room as calmly as he could and saw 
a young man there. 

"Excuse me, doctor," said the 
young man. "I wished to know if I 
could arrange to collect your bad 
debts on commission." 

62 



The Doctor 

First Aid 

A colored woman who had prob- 
ably heard of first aid to the injured, 
called on a doctor and told him that 
her youngest child was in a bad way. 

"What seems to be the trouble?" 
asked the doctor. "Doc, she done 
swallered a bottle of ink?" 

"I'll be over in a short while to see 
her," said the doctor. "Have you 
done anything for her?" 

"Yes, doctor, I done give her three 
pieces of blotting paper," said the col- 
ored woman. 

Irate Doctor (finding bottle of 
rival's medicine) — "Why didn't you 
tell me you were taking this wretched 
stuff?" 

Patient — "Well, it was my missus. 
She says, I'll dose you with this, and 
doctor, he'll try this stuff, and we'll 
see which'll cure you first." 



Just how seriously some consider 
the treatment by certain physicians, 
63 



V 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

can be seen in the story of Mr. Blank, 

who remarked to a friend: 

"Dr. Krample has saved my life." 
"I didn't know you were under his 

treatment." 

"No, I wasn't. I consulted him 

and he advised me to go to another 

physician." 

Diagnosis 

Doctors are said to have no com- 
punction about changing their opin- 
ion or their advice immediately, and 
without any apparent reason. Cer- 
tainly they have no conscience about 
it. 

A doctor said to a patient, "You 
must drink two cups of strong tea 
every morning." 

"I have done that for years." 

"Then, said the doctor, "you must 
stop it at once." 



All will probably agree the physi- 
cian in the following case was justi- 
fied in changing his opinion. 

64 



The Doctor 

Physician — "From a hasty exami- 
nation I am of the opinion that you 
are suffering from clergyman's sore 
throat." 

Patient — "The hell you say!" 
Physician (hastily) — "But it is 
quite possible, I am wrong. I will 
look again." 

A rich man complaining to his 
physician of a slight disorder, the 
latter said to him as he felt his pulse, 
"Do you eat well ?" 

"Yes," said the patient. 

"Do you sleep well?" 

"I do." 

Then said the physician, "I shall 
give you something to take away all 
that." 

Nor is the following much exag- 
gerated : 

Physician — "Have you any aches 
or pains this morning?" 

Patient — "Yes, doctor; it hurts me 
to breathe; in fact, the only trouble 

65 






Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

seems to be with my breather." 

Physician — "All right, I'll give you 
something that will soon stop that." 



After all it is consoling to feel that 
the doctor to whom you submit your- 
self, has ability, confidence and is 
sure of himself, even if to the lay 
mind these approach the miraculous. 

A baseball player had two fingers 
of his right hand pretty badly bunged 
up in practice, and on his way home 
from the grounds he dropped into a 
doctor's office to have them attended 
to. 

"Doctor," he asked anxiously as he 
was leaving, "when this paw of mine 
heals, will I be able to play the 
piano ?" 

"Certainly you will," the doctor 
assured him. 

"Well, then you're a wonder, Doc. 
I never could before." 



We must not forget, however, the 
66 



The Doctor 

many patients who diagnose their 
own cases, tell the doctor their trou- 
ble, as they see it, and direct him 
what he must give them to affect a 
cure. It is a very unsatisfactory po- 
sition for the doctor, yet one so fre- 
quently met with that the physician 
who is successful is a past-master in 
diplomacy. 

Even when the doctor makes a per- 
fectly correct diagnosis there is a 
possibility of the patient not being en- 
tirely satisfied, as witness: 

Dr. Brown (in Otology) — "From 
what this patient says, we can pre- 
sume that his difficulty arises from a 
diseased condition of the middle ear." 

Patient (angrily) — "What do you 
take me for, a ring streaked willipus- 
wallipus ? You talk about my middle 
ear; how many do you think I've 
got, three or five? I'll have you 
understand that I've got just two of 
them, like other folks, and there ain't 
no middle one. Don't get fresh!" 

67 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

A lady was very solicitous about 
her health. Every trifle made her 
uneasy and called the doctor imme- 
diately. 

The doctor was a skillful man, and 
consequently had a large practice. It 
was very disagreeable for him to be 
so often called away from his other 
cases for nothing, and he resolved to 
take an opportunity of letting the 
lady see this. One day the lady 
observed a red spot on her hand, and 
at once sent for the doctor. He came, 
looked at her hand, and said: 

"You did well to send for me 
early." 

The lady looked alarmed, and 
asked : 

"Is it dangerous, then?" 

"Certainly not," replied the doctor. 
"To-morrow the spot would have dis- 
appeared, and I should have lost my 
fee for this visit." 



"Well, here I am," announced the 

68 



The Doctor 

fashionable physician in his breezy 
way. "And now what do you think 
is the matter with you?" 

"Doctor, I hardly know," mur- 
mured the fashionable patient. "What 
is new?" 

Can you picture the embarrass- 
ment of this doctor? 

"Oh doctor, he growled so savage- 
ly I was sure he was mad even be- 
fore he went on in such a biting way." 

"I beg your pardon, madam, but is 
it your large dog or your small pet 
one you are speaking of?" 

"Law, doctor, it isn't my dog I 
am talking about ; it's my husband." 



A convention of physicians was 
called hurriedly and secretly. Dr. 
Killman arose to speak. 

"Gentlemen of the profession," he 
said, "something must be done. Our 
automobile tires are wearing out, our 
daughters' music lessons are unpaid, 

69 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

and nearly all our good patrons have 
already been operated upon for ap- 
pendicitis. What shall we do?" 

"Let's discover a new microbe?" 
said Dr. Quack. 

The motion was carried unani- 
mously, and a wave of sickness 
wafted ducats to the doctors' coffers. 

The Patient 

Some people even endeavor to 
make illness a luxury. 

Doctor — "You must leave off your 
beer and take plenty of exercise. 
Do some wood-chopping and work in 
your garden." 

Patient — "Snakes, doctor ! Those 
are just the things that gives one a 
beautiful thirst." 



Yet still other patients take the 
doctor's directions altogether too lit- 
erally. 

Some men obey the instructions of 
their physicians and some do not, but 
this one did. 

70 



The Doctor 

He went into a men's outfitting 
store and asked to look at shirts. 
The genial clerk asked whether he 
wanted a negligee or a stiff bosom, 
and the buyer replied: 

"A negligee, I guess. My doctor 
told me to keep away from all starchy 
things." 

Another case of literally following 
a doctor's directions is described in 
the following case: 

An Irishman was somewhat under 
the weather and he consulted a phy- 
sician. The doctor said: "Patrick, 
you're run down a bit, that's all. 
What you need is animal food." 

Remembering his case a few days 
afterward, when in that neighbor- 
hood the doctor called upon Pat in 
the stable. 

"Well, Pat, how are you getting on 
with the treatment." 

"Oh, sure, sor, Oi manage all right 
with the grain and oats, but it is 
mighty hard with the chopped hay." 

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Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

The patient who is blindly exact in 
following the doctor's orders cannot 
be as annoying as the patient who is 
intensely inflated with his own opin- 
ions and who treats intelligent direc- 
tions as unnecessary ; such a one con- 
stantly embarrasses the doctor. 

An exaggeration but an illustra- 
tion. 

Doctor — "You must be careful and 
follow the right directions for taking 
this pill." 

Pat — "G'wan wid ye. There's only 
wan direction fer it to go." 

A Philadelphia physician says that 
not long ago he was called to see an 
Irishman, and among other directions 
told him to take an ounce of whiskey 
three times a day. A day or so later 
he made another visit and found the 
man, while not so sick, undeniably 
drunk. 

"How did this happen?" the physi- 
cian demanded of Pat's wife, who 
was hovering about solicitously. 
72 



The Doctor 

"Sure," docther, an' 'tis just what 
you ordered, and no more he had," 
she protested. 

"I said one ounce of whiskey three 
times a day ; that could not make him 
drunk," the physician said. "He has 
had much more than that." 

"Divil a dhrop more, docther, 
dear," she declared. "Sure an' Oi 
didn't know just how much an ounce 
was, so I wint to the drug store an' 
asked, an' the lad — he's a broth of a 
boy, too — told me sixteen drams was 
an ounce, and oi've been giving Pat 
sixteen drinks three times a day." 

Operating 

The propensity to operate on the 
slightest necessity seems to increase 
with the doctor as he progresses from 
"Doc" to "Doctor," thence to stage 
of Specialist and finally to that of 
Professor at which stage you may 
expect an operation for headache or 
stomach-ache — and it is of such as 



73 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

these the patient is in fear. One day- 
while lecturing in surgery, Dr. V. 
said: 

"Now, gentlemen, do you think this 
is or is not a case for operation?" 

One by one the students made their 
diagnosis and all of them answered 
in the negative. 

"Well, gentlemen, you are all 
wrong," said the doctor, "and I shall 
operate to-morrow morning." 

"No, you won't, said the patient, 
jumping out of bed, "six to one is 
too good a majority; give me my 
clothes." 

The Student and Nurse 

An eminent medical professor lec- 
turing to a class in the new hospital — 
evidently speaking with a memory of 
his own early days in the profession, 
said: 

"Avoid funerals, especially of your 
own patients, but never miss a wed- 
ding. 'Coming events,' etc." 

74 



The Doctor * 

In the interest of the peace of mind 
of patients, the following sage ad- 
vice is given to the doctors — some 
graduates. 

Although it may be Sunday, don't 
hum, "Nearer, My God to Thee," 
after writing your prescription. 



The class in anatomy was having 
its first quizz and were asked the 
definition of "Vertebrae" — it went 
down the line unanswered when 
finally a thin studious chap wearing \^ 
glasses, answered: 

"The vertebrae is a long, wavy 
bone. My head sits on one end of 
it, and I sit on the other." 



This student spoke truer than he 
knew. 

Medical Professor — "What is the 
result gentlemen when a patient's 
temperature goes down as far as it 
can?" 

Student — "Why — er — , he gets cold 
feet!" 

75 



Lawyers. Doctors and Preachers 

The trained nurse, that right hand 
of the doctor, can always be depended 
upon to get the best result for him 
from any case upon which she is en- 
gaged. 

"Is this you, doctor," asks the 
nurse over the telephone. 

"Yes," answered the physician. 

"Well, you know you said Mr. 
Bonder wouldn't show any signs of 
improvement for five or six days?" 

"Yes." 

"Well, this is only the second day 
and he is a great deal better already. 
Shall I give him something to make 
him worse for the other three or four 
days?" 

In Charity 

There are things with which the 
doctor has some times to contend that 
call for charity and patience. 

Late one night Smith complained 
to his wife of a severe cold, which 
affected him so that he could not 



76 



The Doctor 

speak above a whisper. Restless and 
unable to sleep, he insisted upon 
dressing and going to see the doctor. 
Arriving at the doctor's house he 
rang the door bell, but no one an- 
swered. After ringing loudly again 
and receiving no response, he was 
about to return home when a window 
above was thrown open and a femi- 
nine voice called out: 

"Who is it?" 

"It's Smith. Is the doctor in?" he 
asked, in low, husky tones. 

"No," whispered the doctor's wife, 
"Come on in." 



Never for one moment permit your 
just condemnation of the fakers to 
become a general prejudice against 
the whole profession, nothing could 
be more unjust nor more unwar- 
ranted. It is truly said : 



77 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

"The doctor carries the keys to 
enough closets containing family 
skeletons to make him the most dan- 
gerous enemy to society — or it's best 
friend." 

Yet he is often maligned. 



78 



fteart^ra. 




F the three professions, 
perhaps the adverse cri- 
ticism is most justly di- 
rected against the pro- 
fession of the ministry. 

The Minister as He Is 

There are many reasons for this, 
and the one which perhaps most 
prompts it, is the high and lofty, 
much superior attitude which the men 
of the cloth take as a rule. 

The Sunday school boy in his brief 
essay on clergymen, gave the most 
concise analysis of the situation. 
He said: "There are three kinds of 
clergymen: bishops, rectors and cu- 
rates. The bishops tell the rectors 
to work and the curates have to do 
it." 

79 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

"A curate is a thin married man, 
but when he is a rector he gets fuller 
and can preach long sermons, and 
becomes a good man." 

Why Criticized 

Men are disposed to look upon the 
minister as one who has been blessed 
with a liberal education, and perhaps 
attractive features from an Adonis 
father. And, being thus favored 
among men, he has been enabled to 
acquire an easy and pleasant living, 
wherein he is required only to talk 
at people when they can not talk 
back, and chiding people for doing 
the things that most ordinary men do, 
so there is the disposition to hunt for 
the weaknesses and shortcomings in 
the minister, and to emphasize them 
wherever found. 

There are so many things they say 
of these gentlemen, that it is difficult 
to know just where to begin, and then 
too, a charity toward this profession 

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The Preacher 

is expected, when it is given to no one 
else. So, we can only dwell upon a 
few of the alleged weaknesses of the 
ministry, offer a defense, and perhaps 
point out lines of reform that will 
tend to increase their efficiency, and 
call for the respect and admiration of 
their fellow beings. 

Unfair Criticism 

Of course there are people who are 
disposed to object to any natural at- 
tribute that a minister may possess. 
He must not be like other men; he 
must have no manly tastes; he must 
do nothing that the world does, and, 
on the other hand, he must not be an 
old woman. 

The people who expect these things 
in a minister had better take to the 
woods at the first opportunity. 

An English minister with a large 
family and a small income went to 
one of his deacons to see if he could 
not have his salary raised. "Salary?" 

81 



I 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

said the deacon. He was one of those 
crimps, cold, close men — "Salary, I 
thought you worked for souls." "So 
I do, said the minister blushing, 
"But I can not eat souls, and if I 
could, it would take a great many 
your size to make a dish." 

Unnaturalness 

The story is told of the Rev. 
James Patterson of Philadelphia, that 
he once declared in a circle of his 
brethren he thought ministers ought 
to be humble and poor like their 
Master. "I have often prayed," said 
he, "that I might be kept humble. I 
never prayed that I might be poor, 
I could trust my church for that!" 



Frequently, ministers in preaching 
will address their people in terms of 
affection so artificial that the desired 
effect is, of course, lost. 

We have often wondered how a 
young minister felt who found him- 

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The Preacher 

self a victim of this propensity. He 
was stationed in Ireland and was 
compelled to make a circuit from 
town to town preaching at different 
churches. 

In Dublin, he addressed them as 
follows: "My dear Dublin Souls," in 
Kilkenny, as "My dear Kilkenny 
Souls," but when he came to Cork, 
his finish can be imagined. 

Narrowness. 

Some one has said that religion is 
a sort of self-coddling in which we 
pay ministers to tell us what we like 
to hear. This is a very justified com- 
plaint. 

The average minister is disposed 
to look upon his call as a position 
representing $1,500, $2,500 or $5,000 
as the case may be, and that it be- 
hooves him to please his people. That 
makes it impossible for him frequent- 
ly to be fair to himself and be ab- 
solutely truthful. 

83 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

Yet that condition is brought about 
by a system over which he has no 
control, and it is owing very much, 
to denominationalism that narrows 
down the road over which he must 
travel, and puts him, as it were in a 
rut. 

Denominationalism is a condition 
very much to be deplored, and is a 
drawback to the advancement of civil- 
ization, of spiritual welfare. 

A man who might be induced to 
take an interest in things spiritual, 
cannot understand why, and how, 
there can be so many different de- 
nominations, and how, if one is right, 
the others can also be right; and how 
this awful contest must be viewed 
when kind Providence looks down 
upon these pigmies, who stand out 
and point at themselves as being su- 
perior to other men. 

The absurdity and littleness of all 
of this difference of man with man 
as to denominational and sectarian 

84 



The Preacher 

belief is illustrated very well in this 
story : 

John and Hannah were engaged to 
be married — John a Presbyterian — 
Hannah a Baptist. They hesitated 
about marrying, because they feared 
that in later life, when the little ones 
should come along, religious dis- 
putes might arise. 

Thus the years passed, neither 
would renounce their church. John 
grew bald, and Hannah developed 
lines about her mouth and eyes. It 
was a complete deadlock. 

John was sent abroad by his firm, 
and Hannah and he corresponded 
regularly. Towards the end of the 
year, by a remarkable coincidence, 
each received from the other a letter, 
the two letters crossing in the mails. 
They said "Dear John: The obstacles 
that stood in the way of our marriage 
have at last been removed. This day 
I was received into full membership 
in the Presbyterian church. — Han- 
nah." 

85 



I 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

"Dearest Hannah: We have no 
longer any grounds for delaying our 
union. I united myself this day with 
the Baptist church. — John." 

While this is a simple story it il- 
lustrates a condition which all too of- 
ten exists. 

Too Far From Nature 
The minister who can get closest 
to nature will understand man better 
and will be more successful in his 
work. 

One bright Sunday, a small boy, 
w r ho belonged to his Sunday School, 
was seen by the minister, sitting on 
the river bank, intently fishing. The 
minister, unable to understand hu- 
man nature and especially the crea- 
ture, boy, said, in a very deep and im- 
pressive voice: "Johnny, I don't 
expect to meet you in Heaven." 

"The deuce, you don't," said 
Johnny, who hadn't lifted his eyes 
from the creek, "What have you 
been doing now?" 
86 



The Preacher 
Misconception of His Purpose 
The minister is frequently mis- 
judged, because of the false concep- 
tion that some people have of his 
purpose in life. Some men imagine 
that they may break every one of the 
commandments, and because of their 
contributions to the church, or their 
personal acquaintance with a minister, 
that they should have a free pass di- 
rect to Paradise. 

Bishop Vincent has tersely defined 
the situation when he said "Every 
Christian should stay here as long as 
he can, the church is not a ticket 
office for Heaven, but a maker of 
character." 

Not All Weak 

It is said that the minister who 
dares tell the people exactly what is 
in his mind, exists only in romance, 
and that he could not hold a position 
in any large city for more than a 
solitary Sunday if he was as frank 
as he would like to be. 
87 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

There is much truth in that, and 
when we meet with a man such as 
the late Sam Jones, who was frank, 
if nothing else, our hearts are bound 
to go out to him and we are inclined 
to hope that others will imitate his 
courage. 

On one occasion, in the midst of his 
lecturing, he suddenly stopped, and 
in the dramatic way that was all his 
own, said, "Now any man who has 
never said an unkind word to his 
w r ife, stand up." Up got two. 

"Now," he said, "all the women 
who have never spoken an unkind 
word to their husbands may rise." 
Nearly every woman in the house 
rose to her feet. "Sit down," he 
cried. After they were all seated, he 
said, "I want the audience to pray for 
these awful liars." 

Too Much Expected 

Of course, at times, too much is 
expected of the minister, no matter 
what his denomination may be. 

88 



The Preacher 

One time, an old priest, anxious to 
raise money to buy coal, announced 
from the altar of a Sunday, that if 
the parishioners expected to attend 
divine service with any degree of 
comfort, that they must furnish him 
with the means to buy coal, that his 
pleas in this behalf had not thereto- 
fore been noticed, and that he would 
take up the collection himself so as to 
see which ones shirked their duty. 

In passing around the plate, he no- 
ticed one Irishman who was well able 
to contribute, put nothing on the 
plate, and distinctly winked at the 
priest. 

The good father passed along, but 
the peculiar actions of his parishioner 
worried him. So that afternoon, he 
called at the home of this man, and 
said, "Now, Mr. Maloney, I was quite 
disturbed at your peculiar actions in 
church this morning. When I passed 
the collection basket you gave noth- 
ing, and if I am not very much mis- 

89 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

taken, you winked at me in the bar- 
gain, all of which was a very extra- 
ordinary proceeding in church. What 
have you got to say?" 

Mr. Maloney smiled, and with a 
knowing look at the priest, said: 
"Well, father, you said you was go- 
ing to take up a collection to buy 
coal?" 

"Yes." 

"Well, I'm on to you father, but 
I'll say nothing, the other people 
don't know that the church is heated 
by steam." 

When one has to deal with that 
kind of intelligence it is no wonder 
that they are frequently misunder- 
stood. 

Lack of Sincerity. 

Another complaint made of the 
ministers is their lack of sincerity, in 
their declaration that they love all 
their brethren alike, and that they are 
not inclined to practice what they 
preach. 

90 



The Preacher 

Of course, this is a base slander, 
and we all know that the ordinary 
minister is just as ready to place his 
arm around the neck of the seedy 
and perhaps unclean stranger, as he 
is to shake the hand of the million- 
aire, yet they tell this story of a rector 
of a fashionable Fifth Avenue 
church. 

A darky called upon the rector and 
said that he wanted to join his 
church. The rector not wishing to 
hurt his feeling, said, "You go home 
and pray to the Lord for guidance, 
and then, at the end of another week, 
if you still have the desire to join the 
church come and talk it over with me 
again." 

After some days, the darky ap- 
peared at the rectory. He said, "I 
have dutifully prayed to the Lord for 
guidance in this heah matter, and He 
sez to me, sez He, 'Rastus, I wouldn't 
try to get into that church if I was 
you, for I've been trying to get into 

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Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

that church myself for the last ten 
years and I haven't succeeded yet.' " 

High and Low Church 

Considerable criticism has been 
made from time to time about what 
the public consider the various dis- 
tinctions in which some call them- 
selves High Church and others Low 
Church. 

A butler of a certain gentleman 
noticed a marked distinction between 
them. On being informed that six 
clergymen were to dine with his mas- 
ter, he asked. "Are they High Church 
or Low Church, sir?" "What on 
earth can that signify to you?" asked 
the astonished master. 

"Everything, sir," was the reply. 
"If they are High Church they'll 
drink; if they're low Church they'll 
eat." 

The Church Attendant 

Many of you have perhaps noticed 
the individual whose religion and in- 

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The Preacher 

terest in things religious are confined 
to his own particular church and 
neighborhood. 

A minister making a most effective 
sermon, moved the congregation to 
tears. One man alone, sat apparently 
unmoved. The minister noticing this, 
singled him out for a personal ad- 
dress, and said: "Are you the only 
one to remain unshaken?" "Sir," said 
the man, "I don't belong to this 
parish." 

A Missouri clergyman had in his 
pastoral flock a member who was re- 
luctant about meeting the contribu- 
tion basket. The pastor had thrown 
out many broad hints, but all to no 
avail. 

One day the member fell ill and 
was taken to the Ensworth Hospital. 
When the clergyman arrived the man 
was delirious. While the pastor was 
sitting beside his bed a wild yell of 
"Fire! Fire!" came across the street. 

The sick man drew himself up on 

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Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

his elbows. "Where — where am I," he 
said excitedly. 

"Calm yourself, brother," soothed 
the pastor, with just the faintest 
twinkle in his eye. "You are still at 
the Ensworth Hospital." 

Talk — Talk 

Perhaps the most serious complaint 
against the ministry is their tendency 
to talk too much. Even their own 
members sometimes seem to realize 
this. 

A story is told of the late Bishop 
Potter, who, on one occasion was ad- 
dressing a woman's organization, and, 
with the idea of being facetious, he 
turned to the lady president, and 
said : "How many long-winded speak- 
ers will there be at this meeting, 
madam?" "You are the only one," 
she replied charmingly. 

This propensity to make long 
speeches becomes a sort of chronic 
disease that breaks out whenever the 

94 



The Preacher 

opportunity presents itself, and with 
many takes the form of an alleged 
prayer. 

Of course, we do not intend to say 
that there is any justification for this 
complaint, and it is left entirely to the 
readers to picture to themselves 
whether they have ever met a min- 
ister who was disposed to do as did 
those to which reference will be 
made. 

A story is told of a colored min- 
ister who broke all his previous rec- 
ords for lengthiness. His subject was 
the prophets, and he had gone 
through the whole list, giving the 
genealogy of each until his audience 
was weary to the point of disgust or 
drowsiness. 

Then he reached a point where he 
said: "We have now come brethren 
and sistern to the second half of my 
discourse — we will now take up the 
minor prophets. The first is Malachi 
Now what place shall we give to 

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Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

Malachi?" The answer came in a 
clear voice from the irreverent wor- 
shipper in one of the back seats: 
"Say, brother Jones, give him my 
place, I'se dead tired and I'se going 
home." 

The Prayer ( ?) 

Mark Twain was to give a lecture 
in a Western town, and they desir- 
ing to make the best possible showing, 
asked the minister of the town to act 
as host during his stay. 

The minister met Mark Twain at 
the station and escorted him home, 
and when they started for the hall, 
he asked if it would be agreeable to 
Mark if he opened the lecture with 
prayer. 

The humorist said that he would be 
delighted, whereupon the minister 
stepped to the front of the stage, and 
closing his eyes, gave a long discourse 
on the current affairs, national, state 
and local, asking for guidance, help 

96 



The Preacher 

and forgiveness for every one from 
Adam to the present time, naming 
them separately and seriatim, and 
concluded by saying: 

"Now, O Lord, we have with us 
to-night, a man who is known 
throughout all the world as the great 
American Humorist. Help us, O 
Lord — help us to understand what 
he is about to say, and to be amused 
by it, and grant if that be possible, 
that we may derive some real benefit 
from his lecture." 

Reiteration 

Who cannot appreciate the feelings 
of the Irishman in this story which 
so excellently illustrates another al- 
leged failing of some ministers. 

The priest had delivered what 
seemed to him a fervent and striking 
sermon, and was anxious to ascertain 
what effect it had on his flock. Meet- 
ing Pat, he asked: "Was the sermon 
to your liking, Pat?" 

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Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

"Troth, y'r riverence, it was a 
grand sermon entirely," said Pat with 
such genuine admiration that his rev- 
erence felt moved to investigate fur- 
ther. 

"Was there any one part of it more 
than another that seemed to take hold 
of ye?" he inquired. 

"Well, now, as y'r riverence be 
axin' me, I'll tell you. What tuk 
hoult av me was y'r riverence's parse- 
verence — the way you wint over the 
same thing agin, and agin, and agin." 

The Sunday School 

Many, have questioned whether the 
Sunday Schools, which are so inti- 
mately connected with the minister's 
work, have been so prolific of good 
as they might be if carried on under 
different conditions. 

The charge has been made, with 
some degree of warrant in many 
cases, that things sacred and holy are 
handled in such a matter of fact way, 

98 



The Preacher 

in order to familiarize the child with 
the subjects, that they lose that rever- 
ence and profound respect that is 
most desirable in making a lasting re- 
ligious impression upon the mind of 
the child, and so it would be impos- 
sible to refer to the minister and his 
work without referring to the Sun- 
day School which is such a factor in 
his work. 

The peculiar ideas that the chil- 
dren of the Sunday Schools acquire 
from their teaching would fill a 
book. 

Creation 

We remember visiting a little girls' 
class in Sunday School where the pre- 
vious Sunday's lesson had been upon 
"Creation and the Garden of Eden," 
and on this particular day the work 
was being reviewed. The teacher, en- 
deavoring to show the brightness of 
her charges, said: 

"Now, children, after God made 

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Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

this beautiful garden, and all of these 
wonderful animals, what did he do 
then ?" 

One little girl promptly answered: 
"He made Adam." The teacher 
showed her approval of the prompt 
answer, and then proceeded. 

"Now, after Adam walked about 
the Garden and got very, very lone- 
some, and had nobody to talk to, what 
did God do then?" 

There was a dead silence, and a 
number of little brows were knitted, 
while they seriously thought. Finally, 
one little girl, fearful lest some one 
else would answer before she, waved 
her hand vigorously, and said: 
"Teacher, I know." 

"Well, what did God do then?" 

She promptly answered : "He made 
a lady." 

Solomon 

The Archbishop of Canterbury, one 
Sunday, was catechising a class in 

100 



The Preacher 

Sunday School, and said to the chil- 
dren "Tell me boys, what was the dif- 
ference between Solomon and other 
men?" 

There was no answer. The arch- 
bishop, a little impatient, said : 

"What is the difference between 
Solomon and myself?" A hand went 
up, and a tiny boy replied: "Pleath 
thir, Solom was wise." This indicated 
perhaps thought, if not politeness. 

Truth From the Lips of In- 
fants (?) 

A priest one Sunday was showing 
off his class to Archbishop Ryan, and 
proceeded to ask one little boy in the 
presence of the archbishop : "What is 
matrimony ?" 

The little boy's eyes bulged out at 
the suddenness with which the ques- 
tion was put, and then said mechani- 
cally: "Matrimony is a state of pun- 
ishment to which some souls are con- 
demned to suffer for a while before 

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Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

they are considered good enough to 
go to heaven." 

"Tut, tut," said the priest, "that is 
the definition of purgatory." 

"Let him alone," said Archbishop 
Ryan. "He may be right — what do you 
and I know about it, anyway." 

Adam's Punishment 

On one occasion, in review of a 

class of little girls, the teacher asked 

one: "What sin did Adam commit?" 
"He ate forbidden fruit." 
"Right ; now who tempted Adam — 

Eve?" 

"Not really Eve, but the serpent." 
"And how was Adam punished?" 
A little eight-year-old raised her 

hand, and said, "Please, teacher, I 

know." 

"Well, how was Adam punished?" 

"He had to marry Eve." 

The self-confidence of the child is 

staggering to the mature mind — was 

the child so much in error? 

102 



The Preacher 
The Text 

One Sunday, a little girl returning 
from Sunday School was asked by 
her mother what the text was, to 
which she answered "Blessed is the 
Dressmaker." 

The queer conception the children 
get of the texts and sermons is most 
extraordinary. 

One Sunday a little boy had been 
listening to a sermon upon Adam and 
the Creation, and how Eve was form- 
ed from a rib taken from Adam's 
side. The whole proceeding was mar- 
velous to him and impressed him very 
much. 

At dinner that day they had 
company, and the little boy was per- 
mitted to indulge himself, and not be- 
ing watched, he ate unusually large 
portions of plum pudding and other 
filling food. 

Some time after dinner, being miss- 
ed, his mother sought him out, and 
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Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

found him in a corner on the floor 
holding his side in great distress. 

"Here, what on earth is the matter 
with you Robert?" asked his mother. 
Robert, between his groans, replied, 
"O mother, I think I am going to 
have a wife." 



The honesty of the child mind is 
refreshing even if at times surprising. 

The child had been taught to say 
grace at the table. Occasionally he va- 
ried it. 

"O Lord, please forgive us for this 
breakfast they've put on the table," he 
said one morning. 

Ministers Differ 

Of course, ministers differ, the 
same as other men, and this is one of 
the facts that people are apt to 
forget in passing judgment upon a 
minister. 

Lincoln was criticised by a com- 
mittee of ministers because of the 

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The Preacher 

character of some of the chaplains 
connected with the regiments. He said 
that he did not appoint them but that 
the regiments elected them. This did 
not satisfy the committee, and they 
persisted. Finally he said: 

"Without any disrespect to you, I 
will tell you a story. Once, in Spring- 
field, I was going off on a short jour- 
ney. Leaning against the fence, just 
outside the depot, was a little darky 
boy — Dick by name, busily engaged 
with toe in a mud-puddle. As I came 
up, I said "Dick, what are you do- 
ing?" 

"Making a church," he said. 

"A church/' said I, "What do you 
mean ?" 

"Why, yes," said Dick pointing 
with his toe: "Don't you see there's 
the steps and front door, and here are 
the pews where the folks set and 
there's the pulpit." 

"Yes, I see," said I, "but why don't 
you make a minister?" 

105 



Lawyers, Doctors and Preachers 

"Laws," answered Dick, with a 
grin, "I hai'nt got mud enough." 

It may be that some of the failures 
in the ministry are those for whose 
makeup material was afterwards 
found. Conclusion 

There is another side to all this. 

Let us not forget the lawyer who 
is the soul of honor, to whom you 
go in trouble and worry, who, by his 
kindly interest and advice, his devo- 
tion and unselfish zeal and varied tal- 
ents, his experience and determina- 
tion brings your affairs out of chaos 
and saves you from loss — and who, 
no matter how heavy his own bur- 
den, carries it, patiently and uncom- 
plainingly, and who can always find 
time to help and comfort others. 

And the doctor who answers your 
call day or night — whose entrance 
into the sick room brings sunshine, 
confidence, relief and comfort — who 
is tireless in his devotion, who never 
is in doubt what to do, and to whom 
106 



The Preacher 

his patients are all members of his big 
family, calling forth his best thoughts, 
his most profound talent and deepest 
love. 

And the minister, that comforter 
of the family in sickness and health, 
always devoted, he, to whom you go 
with aching heart, who, with his arm 
about your neck and a whispered 
word of advice or encouragement, 
brings the smile once more to your 
lips — he, to whom you point as an 
ideal man and God's true messenger 
— he, who in the last hours, as he 
presses your hand and shows the way 
home, pleads for you to the Great 
Minister and asks forgiveness for 
your errors — the comfort, the relief, 
the happiness and love he brings into 
the home, blot out the errors of the 
whole profession. 

Thank God, there are thousands, 
yes, tens of thousands of such law- 
yers, doctors, and preachers, and we 
say fervently, God Bless Them ! 

107 



218*7 119 



APR 17 1912 




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